My voice changes when I’m talking to an animal or a small child. It becomes high pitched and gentle at the same time. But you know what? It’s real. It’s out of my control but it sounds how I want it to come across because it’s how those cute critters make me feel. Welcoming, kind, and affectionate.

That phone voice most of you have – that stuff is just phony. Seriously, what’s up with that? That’s one thing I’ll always remember about my mother. That false voice she puts on whenever the phone rings. She doesn’t have an ugly voice or anything, but when having a conversation with some stranger on the other side of the phone across the world or something, her voice becomes soft as a baby’s ass and she pronounces each letter in every word. She becomes so proper as if she’s talking to the president of the United States. Let me explain. Naturally, she doesn’t pronounce her Rs. She’ll normally speak like this: “I fuhgot to wawta the plants. Um so ty-ud. Damn it.”  Now let’s say some pushy, pervert, thief, puppy-hating salesman happens to call her to try to sell her an alarm system. She doesn’t know this guy, but she’s sweeter to him than she’s been to my father throughout her entire life, and the guy’s clearly pressuring her. “No thank you. No, not right now,” she’ll gently say. “Thank you (fake laugh). We already have an alaRm system and a big dOG to guaRd the house. No, I don’t need that, thank you though. No (fake laugh). Nope. Alrighty. You too. Alright, buh-bye.” (Hangs up, says bad things about how annoying he was.) It’s so bizarre.
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